Animal Advocacy, the Musical

I�ve wanted to write a blog staging out the animal advocacy movement as a musical for a long time, and I�ve finally had a quick opportunity. I imagine it as a Sgt. Pepper�s meets Jesus Christ Superstar. Prepare to be insulted!

First, you�d have the traditional welfare groups. A colleague has suggested a wonderful Beatles track for their sequences, and I agree fully.


That track really does remind me of HSUS (who raked in half a billion dollars in revenues since 2005 -- see my previous article), but not just HSUS, also a number of traditional welfare groups.

Next up, you have militant new welfarism. The theme here is still largely financial, but also with some serious life-style politics and lumpenproletarianism thrown in. What better choice than Steve Miller for them?


Oh, Billy Joe and Boby Sue. Turn off that TV and crack a book (you can start with Rain Without Thunder). There�s still hope for you.

As I imagine it, a certain organization responsible for the deaths of 17,000 animals since 1998 gets their own personal theme as well. I don�t want to name names, but their initials are PeTA. A lot of songs to choose from. But I think a classic from Metallic�s first album (Kill �Em All) is the appropriate fit here, No Remorse. I know a lot of Metallica fans will be upset with the comparison, but life's not always perfect.


And of course, as a corollary for this one, it would be impossible to leave out a Madonna classic, Don�t Cry for Me Argentina. 



Every time I think of Gary L. Francione, I can�t help think of the Beatles song (and it�s here that the Sgt. Peppers motifs become clearer). Although maybe Hard Day�s Night is more appropriate, since I don�t know many advocates who has so tirelessly done what they could to help life nonhuman animals out of slavery.


I once carried around a picture of Chairman Mao. In the interests of full disclosure, I didn�t make it with anyone. But seriously, I never carried a picture of Chairman Mao. I don�t even own a Che Guevarra t-shirt. I care a picture of myself.

Of course, I�d be remise if I ddin�t have my own theme song. Musicals are for vanity and melodrama, and mine would be incompletely without my own theme song. I really invested a lot of thought into this. I decided to go with Billy Joel�s class.


In my defense, I was only having fun in writing this blog. I don�t own a motorcycle, and I don�t know any dirty jokes, but I am thinking about buying an electric bike, I would ride it in the rain and I have crashed a lot of parties. Now all I have to do is to work out the plot and lined up a producer.

The advocacy movement is often opportunistic, often surreal, often deeply self-serving, often deeply misguided in its views with respect to what we owe nonhuman animals � the stuff of which great musical theatre is made. But no one should blame other animals for that. If you�re not vegan, go vegan today. It doesn't cost a penny. The most important work is perfectly legal. You can save lives rather than taking them, you don't to be crazy, and no picture of Chairman Mao required. If you�re not an abolitionist, you can learn more about the approach at www.abolitionistapproach.com or reading my earlier articles.